Every single night. It comes. I go.

Past 12 every night, silence and solitude seem to come as marching guards, arresting me, transporting me to a place i've become so accustomed to, i almost lapse into on my own once in a while. i somehow seem to enter another zone in the dead of the night, a zone that awakes many comatose thoughts, thoughts that practically cease to exist during the day. While i remain a confused soul throughout my knowing existence be it day or night, this particular time has the absurd power to make me realise that i am at my most conscious yet most vulnerable. The explosion of thoughts and emotions it triggers drives me to straddle between a dichotomous identity - my planetary and my fantastic.

In this process of struggling to subscribe to either my present or my past identity, the thought of 'What am i doing?' never strays from reinventing itself as an annoying pop-up window. I wish i had the means to block it out, but the 4 spyware-like words are almost adamant on making me reflect long and hard.

It cannot be my ego at work, for it has all along been characterising the end of my mortal identity. This big question unveils itself in limbo yet it hits me so realistically hard, all confusion and dilemma almost seem to freeze in its awe.

'What am i doing?' Really? What AM i doing? Im constantly revelling and indulging in my fantastic, the past that i know can never be restored and should be best kept and preserved in my museum of memories. Yet here i am, always digging out old treasures to peek at and glee to myself, hoping that i can once again return to the site where i found them. On the other hand, im also drowning with the crowd, going with the flow, living a material life dictated by my reason and logic. All that im doing now, all that im working towards are merely operations of worldly routine. But because i applied for this job, my personal greed so often numbs me and overshadows the void and meaningless nature of it.

So, 'What am i doing'? Despite this knowledge, i still cannot answer the question. Perhaps this is why those guards keep coming back to arrest me. Because even though ive always served my time, ive never truly poured my entire heart, soul and mind into it.

One night, one night.

O how we have changed, yet always remain so constant.

To Meely, Jh, Jx, Mich & Jm...thank you all so much for the lovely present. I really really really really really love it. Not only for the thought, time and effort that you guys have put in, but more importantly, for the many wonderful memories these past 6 years. Memories that have cemented our bond, memories that are constantly in creation as we grow, memories that will never be forgotten.

P.S.: Yes jm! after flipping through my yearbook the minute i arrived home that day, i finally knew who you were referring to:

Wonder if she's still around...hmm...

Memories...no..Memoirs...no..Memories...Memoirs...Ah whatever!

I often wondered what my life will be ten years down the road. Would i be leading the life i want? Would it be satisfying and fulfilling? Would i have made any achievements? Would i be happy?

Right now as im going through probably the last stages of my education - which thankfully did materialise successfully from what i imagined and dreamed of ten years ago - i've been doing much thinking about my future (or day-dreaming as my mom puts it). I dont know if i should be calling it "Setting targets and goals", but i guess i should. So lets see:

By age 21/22,
After graduating, love to do postgrad (though definitely not at Curtin), but should work and clear debt first.
So - apply for positions at local production houses and tv networks. Must be officially working and starting to climb the ladder by then.

By age 24,
Earn enough to repay parents at least half the loan.
Continue working hard to build up experience - should at least begin to take on slightly senior positions on the production team. Must have established excellent team rapport.

By age 27,
Own at least a second-hand car while continuing to repay loan. Rent and a flat/apartment with a good friend outside.
Rise through the ranks. Must be able to helm major projects with greater confidence and less room for error.
Accumulate more experience.

By age 29,
Take on permanent senior position. Should at least be Asst. Producer and/or Asst. Director.
Repay all debts.
Save up to buy own place and get married (will resort to joining SDU if need be).

By age 30,
Hold enough control to oversee projects and execute decisions.
Consider jumping ship to bigger/better firm if opportunity arises.
Must have at least travelled to Western Europe.
Have a family.

* * *

Is my 10-year plan realistic? I hope so.
Will it work out this way or even better, or hopefully not, worse? Only God knows.
But can i look back this same day in 2016 and proudly thank God again that what im dreaming of now did materialise? I must say that i will.
And it all starts - now.

Tsk. Feeling greedy, craving for oh luak now.

Damn sick of all the excess CNY goodies. Sigh.

And when exactly is our S6 steamboat dinner date?

Come on, GO GO GO!!!