I feel like my head's gonna explode and my heart's weighing me down. It's one of those times again where you find yourself trying to cope with a million and one worries and they're bogging you down so much that you wish a wail could be the best solution. Well, unfortunately not. These days i find myself constantly worrying, particularly about the bigger issues that seem to loom indefinitely over your head like a dark, heavy rain cloud.

In times like these, i just wanna withdraw into my own shell. To simply alienate myself from everything and everyone else and remain in my own space where i can consolidate my thoughts, reflect and search for an answer. Many people often ask me why im so quiet and i dont speak much. In fact because of this, i even get condemned as being aloof, anti-social and arrogant. Why does being quiet equate to aloofness or arrogance? Am i disturbing others by not saying a word? I like being silent. It enables me to trigger mental thoughts and challenge my psychological state. Many people assume that when my mouth is shut and i look oblivious to the surrounding situations, my mind is blank - non-vocal by nature. Period. Yet, what they dont realise is that im actually speaking volumes inside my head, be it commenting on or replying them silently etc, and am experiencing mental diarrhoea. Only by having a voice inside my head do i achieve inspiration, maturity, self-reflection and even enlightenment. So dont ask me to share my problems or confide in someone, much less question why i dont treat one as a confidante or aunt agony. I cant. I cant construct and display my thoughts and emotions in words because they'll simply lose its original significance or end up completely warped. Im not bottling up my problems, im analysing them. Being a recluse is for me the best way to sort out my worries, a kind of meditation that allows me to confront issues and figure out an answer.

Perhaps this is another reason for my interest in ftv. The moving image fascinates me simply because it conveys a whole lot more meaning as a visual piece of dialogue and can be interpreted in multiple ways. It stimulates the psyche and generates emotions - intangible elements that can never be as accurately expressed in words. Same thing for me. The reel's always in motion and silent films are perpetually playing.