Pinback - Fortress

Im worrying about too many things. I've slid into this chaotic state of mental and emotional diahorrea again. Yet, its so impossible for me to explicitly display it. Not that i want to bottle it up and act nonchalant, but somehow, the gates just refuse to open. Is it because of the self-consciousness, the inferiority, or the fear of confronting the truth? Yes? No? Perhaps? I dont need the answer. I just want to maintain the status quo, although deep inside i know im praying hard for them all to be resolved so that i can stroll in the garden of peace again. Till then, im struggling to hold up the fortress before it crumbles into depression, though i would never allow it to happen. I know in doing so, im merely trying to prove my strength so others cant penetrate, no matter how it emphasises my frailty all the more.

Erline made a statement sometime before that made a lot of sense and one that completely exposed me, something that i had suspected long ago until she confirmed it. She said the fact that both of us were/are indulging and reveling in films/dramas simply reflects our escapism from reality. Our endless debates, analyses and reflections during and after watching more than explains our desire to find security in a fictional world be it utopian or dystopian. One where we know that ultimately, answers will be provided and the experience will see an end. Our own anxieties are represented by those in the film/drama, and seeing how the latter undergoes the stages of conflict, climax and conclusion makes us feel more hopeful and comforted that we are not the only protagonists in our own plot. Of course, fiction has only a short lifespan, very unlike our indefinite existence. The benefit then is that the result that is made known much earlier in the former circumstance spares us from the misery and agony of having to wonder when our's will come. As in watching a film/drama, the end is not the most important, but it is rather, what will happen and how long it will take, that is what we yearn for most.

Unfortunately or not however, im not a very vocal actor starring in a Wong Kar Wai production. So for now, i reckon i can only continue worrying about what my upcoming scenes are.