Apples In Stereo - Pine Away

Ahh...what the hell am i doing. Im not even doing anything. Im supposed to be doing my 30-page reading right now in preparation for tomorrow's class but im losing concentration. Or rather, its pretty obvious i've lost it already since for the first time, this is my third post in the same day.

I think its the end-of-sem syndrome. I admit it. I miss home. I miss everyone in Singapore. This place is driving me nuts. I realised that staying here all this while has drained me emotionally. My slightly wider social circle of friends over here has in fact made me more detached than when i am back in Singapore with my bosom buddies. Well of course, we are bosom buddies thats why i feel emotionally bonded. But even then, i've had friends i'd known since i've stepped on this strange soil one year ago and somehow, the strings of those relationships have never been as taught. I feel like my fire's burning out.

Everyone questions why i seem to live like a hermit, choosing to be incarcerated inside my own four walls instead of hanging out, going shopping, clubbing and so on. Yes, i am dodging certain social activities, but the reason is simple - i just dont enjoy it. And if i dont opt for solitary confinement, i would prolly be in hospital now getting my stomach pumped from ingesting an overdose of anti-depressent pills. Perhaps im the introverted oddball, the geek even. Whatever it is, i dont see why i should compromise my preferred lifestyle habits to accomodate others' expectations of me. In a way, i wouldnt have woken up to self-realisation if i hadnt played the PR game then. Joining the conformist crowd was't that easy at all. Erecting and maintaining that facade was terribly taxing emotionally. Although, somehow you notice you're not the only one doing so. In fact, everything and everyone seemed equally superficial, like it was all about keeping up appearances. Every individual that i scrutinised and examined didn't seem to be themselves. Or rather, they tried too hard to be themselves.

Whatever the case, this frivolously artificial merrymaking isnt my cup of tea. And it certainly doesnt fill up my emotional glass. In fact, it actually precipitated the draining process. Im just praying that i can escape from this hole soon lest i lose myself. I need to recharge.