Self and Other

Yet another day has passed. Im still idling at home. No school, no homework, no work, no worries (for now). Cant really understand if this is good or bad. Been desiring such a life ever since i began JC life 2 years ago but the feeling seems all so different. Not that i dont enjoy having late nights and sleeping till 2pm every day though. It just feels a little uncomfortable watching and waiting for every day to go by. Its weird not having any single thing to do except just eating, sleeping, watching tv or going online - basically living like a pig that is. Its like im wasting my life away, just tearing it off bit by bit and littering it all over the place for time to pick it up. Yeah, its as if a chunk of me has been pinched off and this emptiness starts creeping in. Its funny how i feel my life to be kinda hollow now. I think its the loneliness. Its a totally different feeling from being in school, when you're rushing to finish your assignments or mugging for tests - buzzing to and fro every single minute. All of a sudden i seem to be able to feel more of myself - something almost impossible when studying. Perhaps im really more in touch with myself, being able to sense every thing in my life nowadays and being much more aware of me - not yet my true identity but a more basic side of who i am.

Its no wonder of course. In school we see our friends and classmates, almost surrounded and cushioned by people practically every minute. It's a kind of group entity, a certain cohesiveness that keeps my individual self from rising above this integration. Now that i face myself alone at home, there's only my singular body left, somewhat detached from the outside, but yet also not entirely alienated yet. A totally sharp distinction from previously. Perhaps this swift and sudden transition has yet to set in fully, although i do have to admit that im adapting to it much better now. The emptiness is not so acute now, and im pretty sure it'll improve when i step out soon. But i guess deep inside, that feeling of having your life constructed by hectic frenzy and bonded by a group identity ceases to fade. Another of life's many phases and discoveries? Why not.