Crude Grain, Pure Grain

This post might probably sound like a random philosophical soliloquy.

It might be.

It might not.


I think when such a thing like this again occurs so suddenly out of the blue and in close proximity to myself; the realisation of my material existence hits extremely hard.

Most of the time, i get so completely consumed in all that is illusory so much so that it can take only the rawness of reality to remind me that im still ultimately standing on coarse soil.

When it was broken to me, the first thought that speared into my mind was not of 'What's gonna happen to us now'. The rainbow bubble burst. And with it erupted a thunderous clap that echoed of sharp reality. It once again proclaimed its existence and wielded its superiority to me, ensuring that i was fully aware of its almighty yet tangible presence. By that point in time the lofty indulgences had long vaporised. The back of my mind was monopolised by the contemplation of 'What if it struck me?'. The feeling was almost authentic, as if i had been conducted by it. It brought to the surface and made me acknowledge my one real failure and my utter cowardice. For as long as i remember; egocentricity has generated multiple deliberations and reservations that have been amassing into an expanding regret...

It seems that incidents like these are effects of a timer - one that appropriately sets off a significant reminder at a certain juncture in my wordly existence.

Is my greatest adversary in fact my greatest patron?

Hmm. I just got an email from my Indon tutor and it was a special reminder to bring our 'family photos' to class tomorrow. We're supposed to revise last week's topic on family members so we have to use it to 'introduce' our family.

After searching through my phone, my My Pictures folder and my room, i realised that i didnt have even a single photo of my family. Ok i had one together with my sis and my dog and a couple with my young cousins when we were on holiday 2 years ago. But i look horrible in all of those so obviously im not showing them off to the class. Anyway, aside from those, there weren't any other photos with my immediate family whatsoever. No family portrait or even some candid ones. While we did take a family portrait some years ago, its only framed up and collecting dust in some corner of my living room at home. I think the only other copy is kept by my mom in her wallet.

I reckon if i were to tell this to my tutor and the rest of the class tomorrow, they would all prolly think that im estranged from my family. Haha. But seriously, i dont know how come i dont bother taking photos with my family. I guess its cos we're all way familiar with each other, facing each other every other day, so taking photos with just seems like a totally boliao thing to do. And that explains why only my sis and i would take photos of us together - we're either damn bored, experimenting with the camera/phone, or using it for our phone's photo caller id.

O no. If i dont have a photo tomorrow, am i gonna be deprived of my participation mark?