Its already past midnight but i still cant get to sleep. I just had to get everything out of my system before i seriously explode from an emotional eruption - even if it risks another round of tears and mucus discharged.

Anyway, my emotions were extremely volatile and vulnerable today. I experienced an intense clash of feelings that simply drove me to mental vexation and internal exhaustion. I had no idea how i should react or face up to the existing situations. The polarity of feelings i had were just so mistakenly entangled that i could plunge myself in one only while drowning in the other. Till now, i know i've not fully recovered from the stress driven by this internal conflict.

My aunt flew off to the US today. We sent her off in the morning and every one, family and friends, were all gathered to bid her the final farewell as she took the last step into the doors of a convent where she would be serving God all her life now. It was a heart-wrenching moment. Tears were just streaming everywhere i turned. I forced myself to hold it all back for the 2 hours we were there, but at the very last goodbye hug she gave my sis and me, it poured. Reality instinctively dawned on me that it would probably be the very last of her we would see, or at least, I would, for she would only be allowed to visit 3 times in her 5 years there before she would never return for good. My whole face was just wet and dripping, and it couldnt stop running no matter how hard i told myself to even after she went in. This was perhaps the first time my sis didnt tease me about being such a crybaby, cos she too joined in the group with both my mum and i. This evening, my grandpa handed me a letter that my aunt left for each of us, and i knew that the minute i unfolded it, it would start all over again. And it did. These were words that seemed a drone in everyday life, but every single alphabet and syllable now were translated into a thousand blessings. It even came with an angbao enclosed that stated "For your books in university. God Bless". I broke down all over again in the confines of my room, and i regretted so very much not telling her the very simple "I love you". Now, it's all too late.

* * *

I visited the Study in Australia fair at Suntec in the afternoon, accompanied by my parents. It was the day i had been waiting for, and i was not disappointed. Despite the overwhelming emotional ride in the morning, i was determined to store it in a corner of my heart and looked forward eagerly to something more uplifting. Of course, this was where the other tumult of emotions presented itself. After long waits for enquiries and tons of explanations later, i settled and applied for Curtin and Murdoch - both in Perth. I wasnt particularly upset that the media course in Monash wasnt the one i was hoping for, especially since i took into heavy consideration other factor(s) i.e. costs. But Perth was a good-enough choice for me too. The Curtin environment's just heavenly, the ideal and perfect sanctuary for studying. And so was Murdoch. It may not be all hustle and bustle, but i'd genuinely love a serene, soul-soothing and mind-easing surrounding to cater for some recuperation after some 12 years here. So after signing up, they immediately handed me a Letter of Offer on the spot, much to my surprise. They were marvelously efficient and quick, contrary to what i imagined Australians (specifically those from Perth) would be like judging from their pace of life over there. But well, it was indeed a pleasant surprise, and i witnessed a positive rebound of emotions. So right now, im technically already accepted into both universities, and when all the enrolment letters start coming in in a week or two, i'd have to place my final decision on which one to accept and which one to reject. As usual, i still find it a mental and psychological chore to make decisions, so i guess i'd have to really take in account every single minute detail and sort out the various pros and cons. Its a headache, but the excitement and elation gets me up and going again.

However, thriving on the success inevitably made me heavy-hearted again. Here i am, rejoicing, while another part of me was tucked away in cold storage. Guilt? I dont know, but immediately, the emotions resurfaced, and i saw myself dealing with a full mess of feelings i couldnt handle. I sensed the melancholic mood that enshrouded the house suddenly, as though a dark cloud floated above the roof and wouldnt budge, while the sun and fluffly cotton clouds were drifting around my own head. Everything came to a standstill, and i sunk into a heap of grey emotions which i havent gotten out since.

It's been an emotional roller-coaster ride, though i would have barfed already if the ups and downs were any more violent. We learnt that mind versus heart would drive one to personal destruction; now i conclude that heart versus heart breeds the ultimate catastrophe.