What's My life For

Im crying again. My heart's crying again. It's not unusual. My pillow's already soaked with dried tears and mucus, it probably still can absorb some more. My emotional baggage is weighing me down too much and the journey's getting too ardous. Everything's been bottled up for almost a year and now sparks are coming out. Signs of a disastrous explosion maybe. I guess the impact wouldn't be that overwhelming, it never was. The conditions never allowed it to.

Everyday of my life is a mistake. A big one. Im sick of donning that plastic mask every weekday. It's superficial. And artificial. Many won't ever understand how's this feeling like, and I guess nobody will ever understand. Life's far from being simplistic. It's not only the studies. It's everything and everybody. Every thing, even down to the smallest matter, is bogging me down so much, too much. It's all been accumulating over the year and it will never stop. Hopefully by end of next year, it will simmer down a little. I wish it would.

I feel strangled. Suffocated. This is not what I want my life to be. Yet, it's all happening to me. Im not in control anymore, not since this year. Next year too. Everybody has found their own happiness outside this happy family. Im the only exception. Our paths are rocky and full of many obstacles, but their emotional assistance is readily by their side. My emotional support can never enter my world. Our worlds are far from each other and it is impossible to connect the two, not to mention merging them into one.

I wish to escape, to run away, to fly. But I can't. Life's all about pressure, conformity, and rules. The boundaries are impossible to cross. The walls defending them are hard and cold, and far too high to climb over. There's only suffering in here. True joy can never reach me. My life now is just a big puzzle. It's vast, but empty.

Crying may seem to many as wallowing in self-pity, but no one can thoroughly comprehend my situation. Letting out these tears helps to release the pain, though it can never heal the soul. Nothing else can.